My name is Vivian. I had General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Anxiety. It made me who I am today, but it does not define me.
When I first started Little Ms. Everything, I intended the blog to be my inspiration board where I can share everything from beauty to design. I really enjoyed the creativity I got to put into the blog and being able to interact with my readers. A few months into writing my blog, I started noticing something odd. I got my first ever panic attack from standing in a crowd of people at a Chinese Restaurant, and I had no idea what it was at the moment. The panic attacks came very rarely at first, but the frequency increased as the year went on. Once exam season had started, I realized that the panic attacks had increased so dramatically that it was affecting the way I lived. Not only I was always worried about being worried, but I also avoided crowds and made sure the only thing I did was binge watch Netflix when I started to panic. It became a vicious cycle, and I became more and more upset with myself.
Finally, I stopped blogging completely. Though I tried my best to squeeze out material for the blog, I was just not motivated to accomplish anything anymore. I also screwed up an important final exam and was put on medication by my physician. I thought life was miserable, and it’s hard to admit, but I did have thoughts about dying. I was so afraid.
Luckily, I have some of the most loving people in my life who supported me and made me realize I am better than I thought I was. My parents flew me to Taiwan (where I was born) to have a 4 months break so I can adjust and find the best way to cope with all the emotions (and so they can baby me). My boyfriend has been with me through this entire journey by giving me strength and supporting me with all his love. With their help, I wake up everyday feeling refreshed and willing to do everything I can to make my day better and more productive.
Now, I am at a point where I no longer get panic attacks and I am a lot happier with who I am. I understand that some days may be hard and I may cry, but I will not give up. I no longer see my disorder as a set back, but an opportunity for me to learn and do something more than I thought I could. It is truly a wonderful feeling when you can accept who you are and see things in a positive perspective (as my boyfriend would say).
Now my goal everyday is to become a better version of my-yesterday-self, and to share what I know in hopes of making another person’s day.
Why I started blogging again
During the time when I was not feeling well, friends from here and there would tell me that my blog was inspirational and that I should post more. Although I was not well, their words were very encouraging. As I became better, I realized that it does not matter whether many people or only one person is reading my blog, as long as I can make a difference in someone’s life, I feel happy. After all, that was my thought when I first started blogging. As a blogger, I get to decide every word I type and what I want to contribute to the Internet for others to see. Since I can make that decision, I feel that I have the responsibility to share my experience with those who are going through the same thing. It was a very difficult decision to share my disorder with the world, but I always give others advice on how to be more positive and true to themselves, and I feel that it’s unfair if I am not honest about what I went through. I hope that by starting this blog, I can bring together people from around the world who are struggling internally and connect and help with each other.
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